i had nightmares last night.

i dreamt that gab didn't want me around him anymore.
he wanted me out of his life.
:(

and i dreamt that my GP essay got 17 marks.
out of 50
content 9
language 8

darn.

i want a new blog layout.
=X
i'll do one later when i feel like it.

watched x-men 3..
really good show worth your every penny..
only that the show is quite short.
but still. it was a good one.
there are alot of themes and ideas in the show
something i would never realise until mrkoh mentioned a few
now i know the difference between watching a show for pure visual- sound effects and watching a show while gaining new insights.
wow.
suddenly i feel intelligent.
HAHA.
eg. angel started and ended the show..
cuz he represents freedom.
so cool.
aiyah. the movie is just NICE.
watch it on your own. hahah.
i wanna watch again LOL.

dreamt of him again. wth.
wenjie says it's not healthy. for the brain.
but then again. it's not that i want to dream of him rite!
okay la i want to. but but.
i cannot control what appears in my dream.
ah i dun give a damn anymore.

anyways just baked some brownies
it has a weird after-taste.
like too much olive oil.
eewk.
dunno what to say.
=X

ever dreamt about the one you like consistently?
i do. and it's happening like almost everytime i sleep.
he keeps appearing in my dreams. and he makes them beautiful wonderful dreams.
it's all what i really want in reality.
but when i wake up.
i face the ugly truth.
the ugly truth - that we will never be.
and i would feel.. i dunno..
maybe abit aloof.
sometimes i keep telling myself that it will never happen.. that i should just forget him and move on..
but i can never do so.
everytime i try, he would either appear in my dreams or something..
i'm at a loss on what to do..

i just keep trying to forget.

friends drift apart.. they really do.
one moment you are such close friends - you take almost every opportunity to talk.
the next moment you get bored and start to drift..
is it all part of my highly sensitive thoughts?
or are you really not bothered anymore?
i hope it's the former.

to alec and nette: wth??? stop comparing la. later i call mah-ta go catch you. gahmen say NO pirated stuff k. nette i noe where you stay. watch out. HAHA.

-------------------

Mr Brown <- listen to his podcast here. i especially love the noddle one. haha.

Jeff Lopez vs Bak Chor Mee man SPOOF

yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

what to say?
i'm damn tired la.

:(

i reformated my com. special thnx to gab n fab =)
and now it loads so fast!! HAHA.
but. NO SOUND. NO MICROSOFT WORD.
my PW GPP is screwed.

oh well.

i'm secretary of Archery!
i said i don't like to be secretary! and they made me secretary!
WOW!
-_-"
i'm secretary for my PW group too.
oh someone give me a break.

oh well. i don't really mind la. haha.

i read Jeannette's blog.
guess she's pretty VERY angry at the yanling girl.
if i were her, i guess i would be mad too.
and i feel that she really have no sense of self pride.
whatever. i should not make enemies.
but what jeannette has done is justifiable.
at least to me.

well just an interesting sport to share : TENMINTON
that is using tennis equipment and playin it the badminton way.
it's cool. haha. it makes people run all over the place, esp outside the court.
eg soohuey. she spin one whole round also cannot hit the ball.
and praveen has a birdie trick.
and i am all over the place.
and biwei is like, DANCING. lol.
special thanks to kaiee for picking up the balls. =) i love you. i missed you so much during the 2 days you were away.

i missed joel too! must rmb his honey drink tmr.

ivan was the freaking WATERBOY for rugby today. hahaha!
and the SAJC girls complimented that he's cute.
and his ego got boosted like, 10 times. haha.
i think he got horny.
later he explode.

wahhhahaha.

oh my ANOTHER tiring day!
i fell asleep on the way to sch.
and i keep waking up. fearing that i would miss my stop. HAHA.

PW...sucked. it seriously sucks. it sucks when you are the only one around for consultation. it sucks when your leader is off somewhere playing basketball when you are drowning with your already "muderous" workload. it sucks when your member if somewhere in town enjoy the "fresh" air and eating subway. it sucks, when you are in the middle of a chinese test and you have to rush to meet the teacher alone, just because the rest effing do not give a damn.

sometimes i wonder why i even bother.

anyways. i'm fine about it now. i mean, no use being angry and spoil the whole project. no point losing a friend because he's not involved in contributing to your project which is very important to you. no point.

but sometimes i just care.

reflecting upon myself (not in front of the mirror) i realised i am still pretty weak in certain areas of my work. like my math and physics, and just about anything else. I DO NOT WANT TO RETAIN. imagine all the wonderful classmates i will lose. no freaking way will i retain.

and one incident that happen to me today made me realise that i'm quite sensitive at times. sensitive to the extent that it may become irritating. i gotta change i guess. i mean, sometimes people really don't mean what they say. i should just chill (put me in a fridge, haha.)

:) cheers!

T.I.R.E.D.
wth. ran 2.4 today. at least i'm working out.
and i lost about 1 kg! woohoo!
and i kinda reformated my com. it still sucks. like, wth.

anyways, i already feel like i'm drowning within my endless pile of homework. i seriously need to get a grip on things. if not i'll just die.
speaking of which, i saw this pretty interesting nick "homework elasticity of supply = infinite"
HAHA. that's cool. curteousy of shawn. haha.

anyone tried smarterchild@hotmail.com?
add him on msn! actually it's a robot.
but a damn cool one that help you keep track of your work, chat with you, say stupid things and tells you who has a crush on you!! so cool rite.
and you can play games, get dictionary definitions.. blah blah blah.. and even read shakespears.
like, wth lol.
but sometimes it's kinda dumb
e.g.
SC:"what's your dog's name?"
ivan:"lussy"
SC:"pussy the dog?"
omg it actually said PUSSY. hahahhaHHAHAHA.
e.g.2
SC:"what's you hamster's name?"
me:"no name yet"
SC:"no name yet the hamster? cool!"
=.="
hahahaha.
try it.

oof! i feel i accomplished alot today. haha.
i woke up at 9 in the morning to bake my mum's cookies.. while she is away.
hahah.
and i finally understood what germaine meant by it's so hard to make shapes.
try shaping peanut butter!! with choc chips!!
i did heart shapes and they turn out to be circles. -_-"
but in the end there were like so many cookies. my mum can eat like siao.
hahahaha.
and i did 100 crunches!! okay so i didn exactly go for run or what.
at least i tried something. lol.

ah. and i have a ever pilling load of work to complete still.
dieeeeeeeeee.

oh. and i saw this striking guy at the temple yesterday. hahaha.
he had really sharp features and the type of solid face that i like. not that other people have liquid or gaseous face la. but. like a firm face. hahaha. and he was wearing a simple white tee with jeans and slippers. and i kinda pissed him off by staring too much.
hahhaa.

oh suddenly remembered what mr yeo sm said before. last time she didn noe what "stead" means.
then thie person told her "oh i have a stead now"
and she was like "state? what state? solid liquid or gaseous state?"
lol.
commonwealth seriously has screwed teachers.

not that PJ don't have. just take eddie koh for example. haha. the mutant incident. anyone that shawn touches will walk like him. the neng neng way. and anyone that pohyee touches will start to scratch their genitals. HAHAHA.

okay. wth la. hahaha. i'm in a crazy mood now. lol.

my mum spent a longgggg time in This Fashion today. so long i got tired and went to watch people play House of the Dead 4. It's so nice!! I should try it the next time. the graphics were like WOW. haha.
anyways i had alot of time to observe the people going in and out of This Fashion (everyone took a shorter time than my mum, DUH) and i realised i'm pretty fat in comparison to the other shoppers. so depressing rite? they all have slim legs.. slim arms.. haiz. it's kind of motivating. being slim permits you to wear pretty clothes without bearing the risk of exposing your unsightly body parts. i wanna be slim!!
i shall make a point to exercise tomorrow morning.

anyways. i have 13 mozzie bites!! 13!! omg wtfreak man!!
I HATE MOZZIES.

hahhaaahahah.HAHHAHAHAHAHAA.
i shall be HAPPY.
i'm tired of being SAD.
XD
*beams*
hahahaha.

PS: wenjie used to rush home from school everyday to watch Hi-5. HAHA.

jeez. i've been feeling cranky, irritable and lots of anger these few days.
i don't mean to - the feeling sucks big time.
and just as i was about to go back up, you had to send me this enormous kick back down to the deep levels of.. of.. darkness. whatever.

why. i thought we were past that stage. i thought, that you would never compare me with others anymore. i gave you that trust. but you just had to. do you know how hurt i am. that i am never able to recieve your encouragement. it is always "why other people can do so well, you cannot?" it's the same with olevels. its the same with a freaking chinese class test. why do you have to compare? "so that you will have some stress" like, wth? i've enough stress as it is okay. there's so much school work to do. and whenever i reach home, all i wish for is some peace and quiet, and acceptance. i want YOUR acceptance. but somehow i've never recieved it. and i'm wondering if i ever will.

oh well. back to life. i mean, my sch life. freaking praveen really asked the stupid question!!!
"will seals get AIDS?"
wth lahh!!
jeez.

hate him. hate him. hate patrick tong.
argh. and hate myself too.
hate patrick tong for being so kaobei.
hate myself for that impulsive act.
but overall, i hate him more.

there's something i've been meaning to say.
there's a certain type of people i hate dislike.
these people go around being nice to you. when you have a problem, they will say "what happened?" and after you pour everthing to them. they complain about it to others "i hate it when people tell me about their problems!"
i mean, wtfreak.
you are the one who ask people to tell you, when you actually didn't want to know.
what a fake.
you put on this facade, make people think that you are the "angel", the wonderful listening ear.
just stop faking. it's disgusting.

XXX.
i wanna be archery porn star.

those who we once called ITs

hmm i'm gonna touch on a touchy topic. the homosexuals.
i guess there's much more of them "popping" up nowadays. much more who are willing to face the world's critisms. much more, who feel that their love is strong enough to protect them.
i guess that's pretty strong of them.
well i can personally say it out straight that i have NEVER had even the teeny bit of feeling for a fellow girl friend. so i wouldn't really know how those people feel. i can only tell you what I feel about the whole situation.
seriously, i still feel that they are normal people. we are not born into the world knowing that we are supposed to like the opposite sex or something. everyone was born NEUTRAL. it's the society, the people around us, and many times our closest family, that "helps" build our thinking.
i remmebered once calling these people "it"s. cause i felt that they were not completely "him" or "her". in a sense, i felt that they were INCOMPLETE. seriously, they will never be. just imagine, what if a pair of gays got married? what if they decided to have children?(same applies to lesbians) first of all, there is now way they can create a complete family, as they will never produce the fruits of their love. secondly, the child will not grow up to be complete, with the absence of a fatherly or motherly figure, which ever applies.
but now that i think of it. i guess to a certain extent i feel a bit ashamed. i mean, people have feelings they can't control. i fall in love, you fall in love, everyone does. and when you are in love, it always feels that nothing, NOTHING at all on this freaking screwed up world can stop you.
and the thing is. in love, we never really have a choice. love befalls us at the most expected time, and with the most unexpected person. i guess it's time we all opened our minds and except them as one of our own.

something random (what i used to think last time)
men and women are created differently in terms of physical structure for one reason. so that the man's THING can go into the woman's HOLE. just like fitting a key into a lock. men and women are MADE to go together.

back to my life

i have frigging itchy mosquitoe bites!! and aedes somemore!! and they are swelling up!! hope they dun carry any diseases.
anyways, geog lesson was seriously dumb. i couldn't stop laughing.. like, OMG. haha.
we were watching the clip on volcanoes and there was this scene showing a bird's eye view of the volcano erupting. i saw this helicopter(the twirly part) like thingy on the top of the screen, and i was like "wow can see the helicopter thingy!!" then i realised OOPS. that was the fan's shadow. =X. and when ivan tried to tell praveen about how dumb i was, praveen went "it IS the helicopter thingy wad". HAHA. i'm not the only dumb one.
and what happened later was CLASSIC. halfway thru discussion ivan was like "eh who step me? praveen why you step me?" then i look downwards and saw, a dictionary. it was the dictionary that hit ivan's feet. HA! i'll remember that forever. i swear.

jeez. i haven studied my geog and econs!!
DIE.

anyways i would say today's archery trip was an "advancement" haha.
but i got several terrible brusies. they're gonna show up tmr. PAIN.

hmmm. i've read from caixiang's blog that he is very troubled by his crush and is easily distracted. i guess everyone's the same. i've had that problem too. it's like. everywhere the person goes, my eyes would follow. and everything he does, i will take notice. it is distracting.
but i knew i had to get out of that endless cycle that benefits no one. i guess what i used to do was to put aside my feelings and think of the person as just a normal friend, like everyone else. there's really nothing much we can do.

ahh!! and thanks to tanyaw. found the man-rib-woman thingy. haha. wenjie say it's not teacher say. haha. anyways it's from the bible :

18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name.

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.
But for Adam [h] no suitable helper was found.

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs [i] and closed up the place with flesh.

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib [j] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman, [k] '
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

THERE. haha. like so interesting rite? :)

today's been a wasted day. so far.
woke up with the thought of archery only to hear THUNDER. ):
i thought it was gonna rain; apparently it DIDN'T.
so what did i do? instead of washing the clothes and hitting my enormous pile of school work, i SLACKED. gawd i SLACKED.
how i hate myself now.
and my favourite show's starting soon too.

list of things to do (by today):
+wash clothes
+bathe (i think i stink)
+GP essay
+math tutorial 6

list of things to do (by tmr):
+go for archery (9-12)
+study for econs (2-5 +/-)
+study for geog

i'm dying!!!

i'm gonna get started.
i swear.
i'm starting.
now.

Not all groups of friends are cliques. The thing that makes a group a clique is that they leave some people out on purpose. Usually one or two popular people control who gets to be in the group and who gets left out. People may act much differently than they did before they were part of the clique.

all's fine and well now. the tide is finally over.
in a way, things are in much better light than before.
i've realised the importance of many things, mainly friendship.
and now that it is over, i've learnt to treasure him more.
i'll do all it takes, to make the friendship last.

there was an interesting session for the girls yesterday; the sexuality talk.
3 married teachers, one single. they told us many things, their crushes, their husbands.
crushes, it seems, are a million in numbers; but they never work out.
maybe because the momentarily attraction is not strong enough, and many times it's a one-sided thing.

talks about virginity and sex arose. it made me realise, many people around me are still virgins.
at least that's what i think i know. i haven had a friend lost his/her virginity yet.
then a question popped to me. would guys mind if their wife is not a virgin?
praveen first said that he doesn really mind, but then changed his mind. he does mind.
ivan says he'll mind too.
i guess guys definitely want their wives to be virgins on their wedding night.
then why do people still have pre-maritial sex? isn't that a way of "creating" non-virgins?
many people say they did it in the heat of a moment, but what mrs chua said made sense.
there's no such thing as heat of a moment in sex. you take time to take of your clothes, and after that you are still conscious. everything we do, they are our choices. choices that may determine you next path in life. choices have become important.

just like, i'm now 1 kg away from "boarder-line over-weight" 56kg. that makes me pretty sad. it was my choice. my choice to eat all the useless junk. and now i have to suffer. all the clothes that suddenly become tight-fitting. now, i need to be disciplined enough to go on my diet(which means eating healthy) and this is the consequence of my choices.

wenjie told me something the guys discussed about in THEIR sexuality talk.
they were told how women were made. from each men, one of their rib bones were removed, and it became a woman. his woman. and in their life, guys "search" for their missing rib bone.
i thought that was a pretty sweet thing. romantic, in a way.

something ivan said to me kind of woke me up. i never listen during lectures. i'm always either doodling, or stoning away. i'm surprised actually, that something from such a dumbass like ivan actually made sense and got me thinking. i got to change. don't wish to have a hard time again.

pw. it totally sucks big time, period.

just woke up from my nap.. feeling groggy now. and irritatable. sorry ivan, nv listen to ur advice(of not taking afternoon naps) i really too tired.

jeez.
you don't know what you have done to me. you don't know the enormity of your doings.
you don't know how torn i was. you don't know the feelings i am feeling.
you don't know.
and you definitely don't understand. all the things i've explained, the only way you have used this explainations is to use them against me.
you and her are a couple. naturally you want your quality time together. and naturally things change when there is a couple in the group of friends. things DO change. you really don't know how weird i always feel. how.. squeezed. how.. suffocating. and you expect me to sit there and wait until ur lovey-dovey is over, until you've had enough and decides that it's time for me to join in? dream on. what a selfish man you have been.
time and again you tell me i've changed. yes i have. and you have too. you have become easily offended. everything i say may easily offend you. you are no longer fun to be with. i say that, and i mean that. and you are most probably going to be offended again. you think this is the first time i felt like this? i've tolerated many times. against blasting at you, even though you were at your worst attitude ever. i didn want an argument to destroy was was already scarred. but then you had to do it.
you had to.
you had to come and throw your tantrum. ignored my persistant tries to talk to you. and you complain i'm not communicative to you. you pushed me away.
and that wasn't enough. "i don't talk to people who insult others for no reason" "go read my blog. i have nothing else to say"
the relentless tirade of thrashing you have lashed on me has done it's part. the damage has been done.
go, go on and be sacarstic about what i've done. go on.
and now what?
you want to apologise?
you dump me there, destroyed me, now you want to apologise?
what am i to you?
do you even care?
obviously not.
obviously you only care for yourself.
selfish, that's what i'll call you.
utterly selfish.
all you know is to remember the nitty-gritty stuff you have done for me. all those you have "sacrificed" for me. and you think it's all very great now; you use these incidences against me. great. you can quit archery for all you wish, if you think i had actually forced you in there. and you are broke? you want your $25 dollars back? i'll rather starve and die and i'll return you the money.
a certain someone told me last night to cry it all out. i thought i wouldn't. i thought you weren't worth the trouble. but the moment the lights were out, i just gave way.
you crushed me. and the scar will almost remain there. removing your post does not undo the damage you have alreday imposed upon me.
what's done has been done.
and now, I have nothing else to say to you.
and now, YOU know why things have come to this.









this part is especially dedicated to jeannette.
jeannette, i really love you ya. i'm really sorry for all the times i've made you sad. and you have stood by me for like, forever. i guess i have kind of "woke up". i found the feelings i felt all over in the first 3 months. haha. i dunno what i'm talking about. but just wanna tell you a big thankew for EVERYTHING. and really, i mean everything i say.
i dunno what to say now. but just wait!! i'll do all i can, to mend the broken parts i've done on you.
even though they may be scarred.

i'm happy today, so i shall blog. haha.
in the morning was crappy.. haha.. i said infront of ivan and wj that i will not say stupid stuff again.. and right after that i said something dumb =X. haha.. so i said, "start at 8 k" lol.
well we had P.E. at 8.. NAPFA test.. luckily it was 5 stations only.. standing board jump was the funniest!! i couldn't really jump la.. but at least got my C.. i'm happy enough =) karen!! u shld keep trying.. dun ever give up k!! woah n ivan was like, classic. on the first jump, germ said "ivan u jump 200 i buy u ice cream!" and he jumped 202. haha. then next jump i said "ivan u jump 206 i buy u chicken rice!" then he went "SUA!" and he jump 190+.. -_-" the SUA was.. haha.. so sad la. joel said that he lost energy. converted to sound energy lol. and shawn my dear tudi. he totally cannot jump too.. haha.. so cute la..
okay then i totally cannot stretch la. i'm 2cm short from my C. darn.

well had a lazy break. so lazy. i just sat there for 1/2 an hour. stupid ivan duwan help me buy drink. i'll nv help him in anything again. hrumph.

math tutorial.. nothing to say.. same la. boring and slow.

econs tutorial.. timed essay!! like, wth???

break again! i've started to eat healthly. by staying away from chicken rice. but that does not keep me away from the soup. haha!! anyways broke my promise already. i started saying dumb stuff again. i'll try again tmr. haha.

okay let's fast foward... all the way until after archery. haha.

played with the class peeps. and one orange guy. haha. dunno his name. alvin was CLASSIC. he knock here knock there, knock everywhere!! haha. he knocked into poles, fences.. haha. then the ball knock him. lol. so dumb la. but this is like the first time i really had a chance to like touch the ball and be involved in the game. haha. so happy =)

anyways today's my mum's bdae. and i had chicken chop for dinner. and there's cake coming up. so much for eating healthy. ):